Stages of Divorce Recovery for Men Complete Article Series
(All-In-One Printer Friendly version)

by Robin L Goldstein, EdD Licensed Psychologist

DIVORCE AND MEN: SURPRISES AND MYTHS

Many people are surprised to learn that a majority of divorces are initiated by women. Up to two thirds of divorces are filed by women. The fact that men are deeply affected by divorce, especially if they did not choose that solution, is not hard to understand. Myths persist that men are less in need of the comfort and support that a stable relationship provides but this is not the case. While our society continues to teach men to hide or avoid expression of their feelings, those feelings do not go away. They often appear intensely when a man is abandoned by a spouse or partner.

As a psychologist, I frequently work with men whose partners have left them. They are often surprised by the level of anguish they experience. Unfortunately, it is not uncommon to hear men say that they have thought of suicide, usually for the first time in their lives. That men can have extreme reactions should not come as a surprise. Almost every week there is a story somewhere in the media of a man who has taken the life of a partner who has rejected him. All too often children are also the victims of these tragic events. It is an additional tragedy that men are often the most reluctant to seek professional help, viewing it as a sign of unacceptable weakness.

Of course violence is not the most common response to the loss of a relationship but we are all familiar with the many other coping strategies that are less than helpful. These include isolation, substance abuse, frantic seeking of a replacement partner, denial and an unwillingness to share grief with friends and family. Women also turn to these solutions, but less frequently than men as healthier responses are more acceptable for women. While the culture is changing, it is still less acceptable for men to admit to feelings of fear, helplessness, sadness, grief and anxiety. But ALL of these emotions are very common and normal when a relationship breaks apart. One emotion our society does easily accept from men is anger, so it is often anger that we see in men, especially when they are in the presence of others. Usually the intensity of the anger is related to the intensity of the (unexpressed) grief.

DIVORCE AND MEN: THE POWER OF ANGER

Sadness feels weak and men often experience humiliation when they feel weak. This makes it easy to become angry. Anger feels powerful. It can cause men to say or do things that hurt the person who rejected them. This tough guy stance may come out with friends and family who try to support the bereaved man, pushing them away. The message can be “I don’t have a problem, I can handle this fine on my own”. A high price is paid for that momentary sense of power; further isolation and often further despair. A greater toll is taken when the anger leads to a more complicated divorce or when children are exposed to the toxicity of a parent’s hostility.

A man who is losing his partner will feel out of control of his life. Anger can be a tool to regain power, punishing with words and deeds the person who seems to be causing the pain. It is easy to justify such anger. “She cheated on me, she was always drinking, she was a lousy wife/mother/sister.” We have all heard these howls from our friends who are separated. Another way that men use their anger to feel powerful is to punish the departing partner by damaging her reputation, reporting long kept secrets or complaints, attempting to diminish her to her friends, family and community.

DIVORCE AND MEN: ACCEPTANCE VS DENIAL

Men who deal with separation with intense anger often pay a high price for using such a destructive and ultimately ineffective coping mechanism. At the extreme, anger that leads to any type of physical aggression can cause legal trouble. Domestic violence rates increase during periods of separation. Many men who have never been violent become so for the first time during a divorce. Violence includes damaging objects and possessions as well as hurting other people. Fortunately, hurting other people is not a common reaction but violence including breaking objects, slamming doors, throwing things or verbal rage occurs quite frequently. The longer a man stays angry, the longer it takes to accept the new reality and start making life better again. Anger and denial interfere with the ability to heal from the loss and, eventually, to form new relationships. We all know people who have been separated for long periods (sometimes years) who are difficult to be with because they remain focused on their anger at a former spouse.

Anger also interferes with the ability to adapt and grow. To form good relationships men need to learn from the relationship that is ending. Where did he fail his partner? In what way can he be a better husband or boyfriend in the future. If there were major failings in the woman, why did he choose her and what about himself allowed him to stay? Acceptance of his own role in this life calamity will help him to avoid problems with the next relationship. Denial of the more frightening emotions-grief, fear, anxiety, etc., will only prolong the process of healing and recovery.

DIVORCE AND MEN: MEN AND CUSTODY

There are many aspects to this dilemma of divorce. Cultural expectations still tend to favor mothers in custody matters leaving many men without the time they want with their children. That can make it difficult for a man to remain as involved with his children as he wishes to be. While it is difficult to be a single mother there may be even less support for single fathers. Men may also have more limited networks to help with child care. A common pitfall for men is to begin dating too soon to try to find a caretaker for the children. This can lead to hasty liaisons which are in no one’s best interest. Men who sincerely try to take care of their children may be unappreciated or even denigrated for making their children their priority because once again this may confound society’s expectations. Being a modern father is a challenge and divorce can make it more difficult. Children fare best in divorces where successful healing occurs and animosity is contained. Separating partners can help themselves by focusing on and remembering the vulnerability of their children.

DIVORCE AND MEN: MEN AND ANXIETY

The stress of divorce leaves most people feeling anxious. There are so many changes and stressors. Men who are normally even keeled can be surprised by their level of anxiety. For those who already have nervous tendencies, divorce can make life feel overwhelming. Anxiety can be exhibited by irritability, chronic worry, increased fearfulness and/or physical agitation or restlessness. It is not unusual to remain preoccupied with details of the separation, the problems of the relationship, and wondering what the other person is doing. This obsessiveness can interfere with concentration, sleep and everyday function. Many men will lose weight because of this anxiety. Even when weight loss was desirable a sudden, drastic weight loss is never healthy.

DIVORCE AND MEN: MEN AND GRIEF

The stages of grief are predictable but never easy. It is grief that men are trying to escape when they turn to drinking, drugs or excessive activity in any area of their life;work or play. Psychologically, there are no short cuts for grief. If we try to escape it, we end up prolonging our misery. The only way is to go through it. Numbness is the first stage with feelings of disbelief or denial. Men are often surprised and think they feel nothing in the beginning but this early stage of protective anesthesia turns in to shock and alarm before too long. The second stage of grief is when the acute emotions rise to the surface. Men may feel panic, depression, intense anxiety or anger or any combination of these emotions. During this difficult period men can offer suffer more than women because they are less likely to reveal their distress to others. They may turn from support when they need it the most out of an attempt to appear in control. Crying, nightmares and great anxiety are the hallmarks of the second stage of grief.

The third stage often leads to withdrawal. It can be very hard to be around friends and loved ones and at this stage it is best not to force sociability. Keeping to oneself, perhaps sleeping more than usual, gives the grieving person the chance to recover. Obsessive review is normal for this period as we all try to make sense of the drastic changes that have occurred. To move to the fourth stage of grief the man must make a conscious decision whether or not to try to re-build his life. I am not talking about suicide, although as I have discussed before, that is a choice for some. To move forward means to accept the losses and try to learn from them. The man who has lost his partner will have to push himself to try new things and meet new people; to discover what will make his life happy and hopeful going forward.

DIVORCE AND MEN: RECOVERY AND RENEWAL

After grief there is an opportunity to make life happy and fulfilling, perhaps for the first time. A surprising statistic of divorce is that a significant majority of people feel their life has improved two years after divorce. Even for the person who did not make the choice to separate! Men who make the best adjustment will be those who work at making life richer, happier, more fulfilling. What do I miss from the last relationship? What are the elements I would rather avoid in a new partner. What are the dreams I deferred that I can now pursue? What did I learn that will make the next phase of my life as good as possible. All relationships have lessons to teach us. The challenge is to transform those lessons into growth that improves our future.

If you are going through a divorce and are concerned for how it is affecting you and your children, I can help, contact me.

55 Responses

  1. K says:

    I’m dating a man who has three kids and we are in a long distance relationship. The issue is that his ex-wife cheated on him (and is still with the guy) three years later. We are together 8 months and it feels as if he’s just so sad and depressed about losing his kids (understandably, of course) but it affects our relationship because he is afraid to tell his kids about me (he thinks they will freak out and since the ex won’t tell about the affair, he thinks that HE’LL look like the cheater) and it also just feels like he’s never truly present with me because there’s this sadness and he just can’t move on. When I expect him to miss me next to him, he’ll say something about how sad he is that his KIDS aren’t next to him. I just never feel like I’m the focus and it’s hard. He says how in love his is with me, we have a great time together, but it’s just this cloud of sadness that he can’t seem to shake. I’m at a loss. He’s a great man, but I just keep feel like I can’t help “fix” the situation (I know I”m not supposed to, anyway) and I also just feel like I’m not his main thing ever.

  2. Cathal says:

    Hi,
    This all rings true to me. Caught my wife on the phone to a mutual friend a few weeks ago, she was at least in an emotional affair. Next day told me that she doesn’t love me anymore and wants a divorce. This came out of the blue and hit me like a tonne of bricks. I was devastated, angry, bewildered and so sad. Didn’t understand it. We had troubles a few years ago,I faught for the marriage, I loved her and we had young children. This time I have again gone through such a range of emotions, and it is so so hard. It’s so hard when you do not expect it, and can’t accept it. As a man, you want to fix it. I offered couples counselling, it was refused.I really struggled to understand the refusal, we have a 10 year old and a 6 year old, why would you not try for them. That did and to some extent, still feels wrong to me.I have cried, experienced some dark thoughts. I have 2 wonderful children and have no intention of doing anything stupid. I realise now, that she is so much further down the road with divorce than me. I’m expected to play catch up. For a few weeks I plagued myself with ways, or any signs of a change of mind from her, that could save our marriage. A couple of weeks ago she came in to me and iniated sex. I consented.I thought that was a sign, as she slept with me until just before the kids woke. That was all shattered last weekend. I discovered she has been taking photos of her breasts, whilst the kids and I were downstairs and sending them to this guy. She later told me that she has been sleeping with this guy. I felt so devastated, he is a guy I befriended, has 2 kids with different women. Why why? I feel so sick at the thought of my soon to be ex wife sleeping with another man. I feel dirty, as she had sex with me and was having sex with him at the same time. She says she has no regrets on having sex with him as she felt we had separated. I continue to struggle with things. I’m talking to friends and family, I worry I will eventually bore them, so maybe don’t call them as much as I need. I have so much pain inside me. As a man, the system so so favours the mother. It’s me that will be forced to leave the house. I won’t see my children every day, that is the most painful thing. Due to her working mostly night shifts, I spend more time with them. This will count for nothing as I am not a mother. I don’t think there is an area of law in some countries that is so gender biased. And,to me, this gender bias is the reason for some women not trying at a marriage enough, as she will stand to loose little, will keep the kids and house. I’m not advocating unhappy marriages, and certainly not marriages with emotional/domestic violence in them, I’m advocating that the courts catch up with the 21st century and make it that family law is not biased on grounds of gender.

  3. Amanda says:

    I’m currently dating a man that just passed the year mark of his divorce being finalized in August. They were separated for almost a year prior to that I believe. Our relationship has been rocky and he constantly goes through wishy washy phases, doesn’t understand his feelings or how to deal with them and is overwhelmed in trying to figure out the balance of kids, work, girlfriend and personal time. When we first met neither one of us was expecting the connection we felt or to get into a relationship and yet that’s where we found ourselves – it was great the first couple of months and then in month 3, things changed. He started to pull away, shove me and our relationship aside and I wasn’t a priority anymore. We broke up at the end of April, started to hang out again mid May for a month 1/2 and then the vicious cycle all over again. We didn’t speak for a month and a 1/2, and then when we finally saw each other to speak again he unleashed this emotional vomit and gushed over how much he missed me, he knows he has faults but that he doesn’t want to figure all this out on his own, he wants to work through things with me, together, but that he knew he approaches our relationship from a place of fear. Fear of letting me down, fear of letting his kids down, etc. He finds himself internalizing a lot of things and even things that don’t even happen but his perception of what he thinks I’m thinking and then holding resentment towards me when I do the smallest of kind gestures; like simply texting him ‘good morning’ or maybe to see how his day’s going. (I’m not an overbearing person or the gal that HAS to know why someone’s not texting me back in 2.3 seconds.) He also essentially took back all the emotional vomit he spewed all over me and said that he didn’t really remember the conversation that well and that he was speaking from an emotional place so of course random things were coming out that he didn’t understand.
    I love this man and I know we have potential but I have zero idea what to do in our circumstances… I’ve heard from numerous people that men aren’t confused about their feelings, they either love you or they don’t; however, I feel as though this man is nothing but confused, in every aspect. How can I be a better girlfriend to his emotional needs and more understanding when he pulls away without feeling inadequate or under valued?

  4. Maria says:

    Dear Dr. Goldstein,
    I met a wonderful divorced man who I deeply fell in love with. He has a son and very early into the relationship he introduced me to him and we were a lot together (he shares custody, so it was a lot of our time together). He has been dealing with a very tough divorce because his ex wife is decided to make his life hell and I believe as a result, he has a trauma and huge fear to fail again and go thru the same again. We had some silly disagreements and he decided to cut it off because he ‘didn’t wanna go thru the same again’.
    I guess my question for you is : is it possible to recover a relationship with a traumatized men that on his own words ‘switched his love for you off’ after he finally heals or in your experience he won’t want to be with somebody that will remind him of the worst period of his life and would prefer to start fresh? We broke up a year ago and because I love him and I do believe he is worth the wait I’ve been waiting for him and trying to remain close but every time we communicate again (usually initiated by me) he engages for a little time and then completely cuts me off again :(

    Please advise! Thanks!!!

  5. Michael says:

    Thank you for posting this. My story is I’m in a bit of a battle with myself. Going back 2 years ago my wife comes up to me and tells me she is unhappy in the marriage and is thinking about divorce. Six months went by I did everything I could do to make her happy and fix the wrongs in the relationship even dealt with my anxiety issues by going to a doctor and therapy. The week I was going to move out she come back up to me crying and telling me to stay so, without thinking I stayed after all it’s what I was fighting for for six months right. About 5 month past and I noticed I don’t feel the same as I felt before this all happened but I kept brushing it off it’s been another year since and I know I’m unhappy in the relationship. I want to ask about separating but for some reason am having issues talking to her about it. What is Thought s

  6. D. B. says:

    I’ve been divorced for almost a year, and separated for nearly two years prior. It stills tears me apart deep down inside. I’ve been in and out of counseling to help with this issue along with counseling for my two past deployments overseas when I served in the Army, whom my ex was with me then and my sole support during those times… Idk if I’m “immune” to therapy or what, but after all this time and all I’ve learned I still hurt, I still feel lost, I still feel the loss, and I still lack the hope necessary to ensure that someday soon my head will be right and I’ll be able to move on. Even when I express myself to others who understand I still feel alone. I still feel unwanted. I still feel abandoned. I still feel used. I still feel empty. To be frank, I’m done tired of wasting my time and money on professionals to lie to me and tell me I am what I’m not. Life consists of winners and losers. For every winner there are losers that helped lift up those winners. The trick is, and for many this takes therapy, to learn how to be a loser who can tell oneself they are in fact a winner. My problem is, I just can’t seem to lie to myself anymore.

  7. Glen says:

    I am still married, my wife is 9 yrs younger. I’m not grieving because of the thought of divorce. I know that i would be much happier in the end. This is my 2nd marriage and one of only 2 years. I had all but gave up on the thought of love after plenty failed attempts at dating between the two. Then she came along and made me see in a different light. Well that has since changed, and now she is talking divorce. I never thought it would hurt the way it does, not divorce but the feeling of rejection from someone you thought you gave everything to. I am deeply saddened and full of anixiety, so much so its debilitating. I’m still relatively young and feel like i will find someone more like myself however failure and letting my family down just seems too much to bare. I do still love her, however need to find a way to let go. She says she needs time however we all know how that ends. I need to start the process of moving on, and not in the manner of someone else.

    • I’m sorry for what you are going through. As I wrote, this is one of the most traumatic experiences we face. Get the support of family and friends and certainly professional help can also be of benefit.

  8. Anonymous Australia says:

    My wife told me she wasn’t happy and had given up on our marriage 11 months ago. I accepted she was unhappy and we moved into separate bedrooms and we lived in the same house for a further 4 months when I was able to move back across country to be in the same city as my family. It’s been 7 months since then, and after reading your article tonight, I am putting myself in the 3rd stage: withdrawal/isolation.

    I’ve stopped contacting friends, feeling particularly alone, and in the last 4-5 days i’ve started sleeping/staying in bed for up to 18 hours at a time. I set my alarm on my phone, and when it goes off I press snooze, and again, and again, today I must have snoozed 25 times in a row. I only got out of bed because someone knocked on my door to deliver a parcel. I stayed up after that, but if they didnt knock on the door I don’t know when I would have gotten up. This was at 3pm.

    Well, I know i’ve been in a bad way the last week, and tonight I managed to go and visit some family and talk a bit about how I’ve been feeling. My biggest concern has been my complete disinterest in absolutely anything.

    On a positive note, as well as seeking out help on the internet tonight, which is what led me here, I’ve wrote myself a list of little things/chores I’ve been meaning to do and haven’t gotten around to. Now, tomorrow or the next day, when I find myself idle, instead of laying in bed thinking of all the possible things I could do, I can just look at this list, and pick whatever one appeals to me at the time. I know once I get started on an activity, I will feed off the momentum and go from there. Just the act of getting out of bed and starting something has been the big battle.

    My self esteem since my marriage ended has just been completely shot. I feel absolutely worthless. I hope this goes away in time.

    • Marriages deteriorate for all sorts of reasons. Don’t put all the blame on yourself. I urge you to seek professional help to support you during this time. What can you learn going forward to make your next relationship a good one. Learn coping skills. Psychologists can be a lifesaver after a separation and you sound seriously depressed. Best wishes.

    • A.A.
      Mate: Sounds like we are experiencing very similar situations, just on the other side of the world. I was married for 10 years and am going through a divorce now. Wife just said she wasn’t happy for sometime. I am currently in the isolation phase as well. I spent about 15 hours in bed today. Haven’t eaten in 2 days. I came across this site and though I’m sorry you are also going through this pain, it made me feel a little better knowing I was not alone.

  9. Steve Collop says:

    I discovered my wife had had an affair. The affair had ended years before, she wanted to reconcile and so did I so I tried to get over it for almost 2 years but couldn’t. It was all I could think about. 6 months ago, I quit my job in USA and moved to China, got a job here and filed for divorce. After preliminary orders were in place and a date set for mediation, I started second guessing my decision and now part of me is wondering if maybe I should have stayed. I miss my daughters and my wife. A bigger part of me knows I’d never be able to get over her affair.

    My problem is depression at night. In the morning I am fine and feel like I’m moving on with life. I have a girlfriend (who is pregnant!) but I keep waking up at about 3am every night and thinking about who she is with, how the assets will be distributed, child support – it just makes my head spin and my sleep is terrible. I really haven’t slept well since I discovered the affair but now it seems worse.

    I certainly can’t go back now.

    • It sounds like you were overwhelmed with grief and anger or depression when you “couldn’t get over it.” Many couples remain together after an affair. Perhaps if you had sought help then, things would have turned out differently. You haven’t recovered from your depression if you still are waking up at 3am. Please seek professional help so that you can make the best decisions for you and your family.

  10. Natalya says:

    My husband and I got divorced 2 years ago, and I am completely shocked by what is happening to him. He was almost unemotional, strong quiet man who was very reasonable and level headed. When we split, him and our teenage kids (!) decided to moved back to NYC and I was alone and in pain. It was aweful, I lost everything, and felt like I was walking thru water most of the days.
    Two years later, I am happy, in love, getting re-married and my ex is falling apart. 2 years! He has the kids full time and even a much younger girlfriend, I pay him child support – what does he want from me? He was the one who left me! I feel really bad for him, and I wish he could move with his life and be happy. This article helped me to understand how my unemotional man ex-husband became all emotional after divorce.

  11. Silas says:

    Iam going through a divorce. My wife cheated on me and I found it and told her that I forgave her but she can’t accept that. She still want divorce. I am hurt coz I have two beautiful daughters. Please I need your help

  12. JR says:

    Hi there.
    I’m so lost. Lost my job and lost my wife. She has hired a lawyer twice in the last seven years. My daughter is only 10 but unfortunately has seen no love between her parents. I have tried for seven years to get us to counseling. It breaks my heart as my daughter is an only child and has seen nothing good. But my daughter was never told of the intentions to divorce. Until tonight. My wife lost it and said she’s contacting her lawyer tomorrow to get the ball rolling. My daughter was standing behind her and tears began streaming down her face. We have a tight bond. She grabbed me and said wherever daddy goes, I go. I don’t know how to handle this. I’m heartbroken that my family is being broken apart by my wife who has shown no effort to try and work on this marriage for the last seven years. I have been sleeping in a separate room for four. On top of that, I lost my job over a year ago and I am still unemployed. I feel so burdened with sadness and lost.

    • You have a lot going wrong in your life. It will take strength to get through it and to protect your daughter from your grief and your wife’s anger. If you have access to professional help, I urge you to seek it.

  13. Peter mullen says:

    I’m grieving and she’s out with her so called friend.. unfair unreal

    • It’s not about fairness. Life is not “right” or “fair”, it just is. I urge you to work with a psychologist to help you focus on your life, not on your wife.

  14. Rick says:

    Thank you for your article and for providing a place for us men to unload our struggles with divorce. My wife asked for a divorce after 22 years of marriage. I was 42 years old when we met. She was 22. We dated for 2 years before I got the courage to ask her to marry me. At the time, I told her I was too old for children and she told me children weren’t important to her. That changed 16 years later when our son was born. My wife is also my business partner and being in my late 60’s, leaving this business behind and starting over is beyond my comprehension. So, I see her everyday and interact in business as best I can. But, the anxiety of having her out of my personal life is unexplainably difficult. She is deeply involved with another man 20 years my junior. He accompanies her on business trips and vacations. All this before our divorce is even finalized. I guess that doesn’t really matter – the day she said she wanted a divorce was the end of our marriage. At my age, it’s difficult to do the things with my son that my wife’s boyfriend can do. I can’t play hockey, I can’t play tennis, I can’t run races,… It’s not that I don’t understand why my wife left me. I understand perfectly well why she left me. I grew old too soon. The physical and sexual demands of a woman 20 years younger than me are impossible for me to fulfill. All these things leave me exhausted and depressed. I haven’t slept through the night in months. I am the creative talent at the business and my mind can’t seem to get focused on anything other than my loneliness. I have no family other than my 6-year old son. My friends are few and living in other States and countries. I’m not a religious man so prayer has no home within me, though if it did, my prayers would be for the clouds to part and the sun to shine through.

    • If you had 20 good years with your wife, it’s best to focus on that. You took a big gamble marrying someone so much younger. This ending is fairly predictable. You are young enough to find a new partner and enjoy this part of your life. It’s time to move on. For your sons sake it is important for you to forgive your wife and develop a working relationship.

    • Anonymous UK says:

      Hi Rick,

      I feel for you. I was too married for 20 years and had 4 kids. I too had a business with my ex although she does not play an active part but wants all the rewards. I am lucky in so much as I dont know who her pursuer was, I never found out. That said it can still hurt. I think for yourself and son you need to find yourself again. Go visit those friends out of state and country. Take up a new hobby not necessarily one where you need stamina or strength. Start to rebuild your life for you. You sound like the type of guy I was/am. We spend to much time thinking of everyone else and not of ourselves. Take the time to find you. And as Goldstein says to may find another person down the line. I think working with your ex is prolonging your hurt and stopping you from moving on. Can you talk to her about it and come to some sort of agreement? I wish you all the best.

  15. Daniel Malark says:

    My wife left me for another man over (what I thought was going to be a normal weekend). She said that Friday night that she was going to a party, mind you ahe is 27 years old. We don’t party anymore. I said that I didn’t want her to but that she could if she wanted. Anyways to make a long story short, she left me on that Sunday evening. She had police officers come to the house and escort me out. We lived with her mother. She told me that it was over and that she was with her new man. She filed for divorce and made me look like a very abusive husband, going as far as saying that I’ve threatene her and my daughter with a gun. Now I’m going through the grief of losing her and my daughter and I know that she’s been depressed for a few years but she’s blaming me for it and I only get to see my daughter for 5 hours during the week. I’m very lost, I’m trying to fight her for custody because of her lifestyle. She doesn’t even take care of our daughter, the grandmother does. I’m at a huge loss of what can be done to save my daughter’s future. Thank you for this article, it is very helpful on understanding this better.

  16. Kelly Gookin says:

    I am really struggling here, divorce recovery class and seeing a therapist also. I still feels so helpless and don’t think I’m go a make it some days. Thank you for your article. The fact that my wife has had someone else for the last year of my marriage is ripping me apart.

  17. Shannon says:

    I happened upon this page and wanted to see if you can help. I am a 45 year old woman divorced 7 years with 2 teenage sons (14 & 16) and dating a 56 year old man that I have known for almost 15 years. His own children are grown and have been gone for a few years and have their own families. He and his wife were married 28 years and separated 3 years ago after she cheated. She played very nasty mind games refusing to sign the papers and demanding ridiculous financial compensation in the process, with it finally becoming final this past April. We have been best friends thru the whole of the process and been dating as well. Times have been rocky to say the least. This past November (2 months ago) we decided to take our relationship to the next level, my kids and I moved in and he proposed marriage. However, he is having a hard time adjusting to the “family” situation. He says that he had gotten used to really doing for himself when and how he wanted and not having to worry about anyone else. He also says he is not sure how to or if he can “step back” into a father type roll again with the responsibility, worry and every thing else that comes with children. His ex-wife has made him believe he didn’t so such a good job the first time so he is a bit insecure. He also says that he is just very scared and having a hard time accepting that this is his path. He has begun to pull away and put walls up everywhere. I keep trying to tell him to focus on our relationship and the rest will fall into place, but he lacks confidence. What advice can you give to help with this adjustment or can you recommend any articles on this? It has only been about a month and a half and he feels discouraged because he expected to be further along in the adjustment process. I love this man and I know he loves me, and I know this can work. It does work when he is not paying attention to it and over-thinking it.

  18. PC says:

    Do you have any articles or resources about the emotional state of men when they are the ones terminating the marriage? Most of your excellent article seems to be geared towards men who are on the receiving end of a divorce.

    • Actually it is common for the person who initiates the divorce to have very similar feelings to the one who did not. Even when it is your idea, it is normal to feel anger for the partner who disappointed you and led to your making a difficult decision. I don’t know of any books or articles offhand, but I’ll do a little research. Thanks for the idea for an article though-“I’ve Separated, Now What?”

      • Jeffrey Franks says:

        Absolutely! I initiated my recent divorce after 33 years of marriage. I did so because I had not been happy in the marriage for a very long time. I am still grieving the loss of my marriage and the fact that she never seemed to understand or accept that I was unhappy, even after several attempts at marital counseling. She thinks it’s absurd that I am grieving, but I know that I am processing it all and it will take some time. No regrets, thank you for the article.

  19. Robin says:

    I initiated the whole break-up process due to a sexless (seven-year) marriage… we’ve been separated about 18 months. We were going to reconcile up to about April this year, when after a holiday to think about things I realised the divorce was necessary due to the lack of intimacy/love. From about the end of May onwards I felt I was doing really well – I had previously suffered anxiety and was constantly questioning my decision. A few weeks ago I served papers and it has brought everything back again… the questioning, the anxiety, the sense of loss. I constantly feel panicky, feel dejected when I think about the future, that there is no hope.

    • Divorce is a huge step and, as my article says, can have profound impact on those who experience it. You sound as though you really need some professional help to assist you. Look for an experienced psychologist, a support group and be sure to let your physician know how panicky you feel. Don’t suffer unnecessarily.

  20. Insane??? says:

    After 24 years of marriage, I found out my wife is cheating with a married family friend and has numerous online explicit relationships with multiple men. When confronted, she moves out and sues me for divorce. My crime is being a stupid trusting faithful husband who worked hard for his family. Our youngest is almost 18. In the great state of NJ, the courts will favor her to get a lot of alimony. I used to beg her to work full time to pay for our kids college education. She put in a court document we had irreconcilable differences for 5 years.
    The thought of paying alimony is infuriating and unconscionable. I dwell on the inevitable judgement, how I hate her and troll sites on how to move out of the country.
    I can’t be anymore lost. Any guidance would be helpful.

    • Your anger and distress is certainly understandable. Get all the help and support you can. Be open with your closest friends and family. You have children, so leaving the country would cause them to resent you and is not usually a practical solution. Let your attorney advise you. I also recommend online support groups for the partners of those with sex addictions. As always, I recommend working with a psychologist to help you through the tangle of emotions you are experiencing.

    • DBM says:

      I am in a similar situation and sympathize. 27 year marriage, worked hard my whole adult life to provide for my family, something my wife always resented because I didn’t spend enough time with her and the kids. Now she is divorcing and demands alimony. Our whole marriage she despised my hard work, now she wants all the money it created. It’s incredibly unfair. The courts are definitively set up to the disadvantage of the hard-working spouse. The most a spouse should have to pay alimony, especially if they don’t want the divorce, is three years. This state-sanctioned extortion compounds the misery of divorce x10.

      • AL says:

        I had to chime in with agreement DBM. I’m 3 years divorced after 26 years of marriage. It’s been so hard for me to “move on” when I’m essentially supporting her. I urged her to work during our marriage. No interest. I urged her to get education or training to find rewarding work. No interest. In spite of having a single income family, I put two kids through college, provided a comfortable life, and saved a nice nest egg for retirement. When alimony ends after 11 years, she’ll start collecting on the retirement nest egg and will have avoided meaningful work for her entire life. There is nothing I would like more than to live as is stated in the divorce decree — “Each party shall hereafter live separate and apart from the other and shall go his or her own way without interference from the other in any manner”… except that one has to support the other financially.

    • Anonymous UK says:

      OMG, this is the exact same as my situation. However she spent over a year making out to all and sundry that I was crazy and sent me into a deep depression. She cited for divorce, tossed me to the ditch and then said I could not see my children and alienated them against me. I too have been considering leaving the country if it were not for my friends here. I feel its extra hard as you have to deal with the fact you have lived with someone who has consistently lied to your face. I feel my marriage was a sham and 20 years down the toilet apart from my kids. Although she has successfully poisoned them to a certain extent. Now as with you she is claiming she cant not work and is trying to get maintenance for everything and wants it all. Its so stressful. But I hanging on in there and determined to stand my ground and make a better life for myself. I hope things turn around for you soon.

  21. I really like that you talked about recovery and renewal in your article. Getting a divorce is a very scary thing. My wife and I are going through one right now, and I don’t know how exactly I am going to come back from it. It’s been a long, long time since I’ve dated anyone else. Do you have any other post-divorce tips?

    • Support groups are enormously helpful. Don’t underestimate the benefit. Of course I also recommend counseling to help you through this very turbulent experience. It really does help.
      Best wishes,
      Dr. Goldstein

  22. Sly smith says:

    I feel like a failure

    • Because of divorce? You have lots of company. You may have failed with this person, do what you can to make sure you succeed with the next! Analyze what went wrong-with friends, with professional help if needed and be aware that most people feel their life improves after their divorce.

      • Michael says:

        Thank you for posting this. My story is I’m in a bit of a battle with myself. Going back 2 years ago my wife comes up to me and tells me she is unhappy in the marriage and is thinking about divorce. Six months went by I did everything I could do to make her happy and fix the wrongs in the relationship even dealt with my anxiety issues by going to a doctor and therapy. The week I was going to move out she come back up to me crying and telling me to stay so, without thinking I stayed after all it’s what I was fighting for for six months right. About 5 month past and I noticed I don’t feel the same as I felt before this all happened but I kept brushing it off it’s been another year since and I know I’m unhappy in the relationship. I want to ask about separating but for some reason am having issues talking to her about it. What is your thoughts?

    • Peter mullen says:

      Yep me too. Feels like wasted 22 yrs now I live in empty apartment.. it sucks

  23. Danielle says:

    Thank you for this site. One of my close friend’s is in the middle of a divorce and my heart bleeds for him. I’ve never seen him so shut away from the world and I feel completely helpless. There aren’t many websites that cater to men in divorce. So I thank you. It offers so clarity and I see that what he is going through is natural.

  24. Jennifer says:

    Hi there. I wondered if you have ever dealt with any men whose wife’s ended the marriage and thereafter became a lesbian? I have just broken up with my boyfriend who cannot come to terms with why his marriage ended. After months of it affecting us I finally persuaded him to go to a counsellor. His marriage ended 3 years ago and his divorce was finalised in March of this year. Unfortunately after 8 weeks of counselling he is still unaware of why his marriage ended. Despite both loving each other we agreed that he needs to deal with this on his own. I still hold out hope that he will recover and come back to me but I don’t know if this is unrealistic?

    • Yes, I have certainly dealt with this issue. It is one of many things that can complicate recovery from a divorce. I can’t answer in your specific case as to whether your boyfriend will make it through. It certainly sounds like he hasn’t yet.

      Best of luck,
      Dr. Goldstein

  25. New Ex says:

    Very good article identifying the phases. Less than 24 hours after I filed for divorce from my wife, the pain still comes in waves (even though I sought the divorce) but it helps to expect the pain and to identify it. Never let anybody say men who file for divorce aren’t hurting.

    • Anon says:

      So even the initiator hurts? It just seems on the outside that men are not phased at all by the separation. Do they obsess over small details of the relationship like women? Time is a great artist – painting old memories in new colours and hiding the imperfections of the reality…

  26. RDLR says:

    Thank you, Dr. Goldstein:

    I am going through a marriage dissolution right now. I have never felt more alone or powerless in my life.

    It’s good to know I’m not the only one who feels this way. It’s good to know that my grief and anger are normal markers of the grieving process.

  27. John H says:

    Thank you for the informative article. Apart from the parts on anger and custody (we didn’t have children) you broke down my personal experiences on the most challenging part of my life. I felt frustration instead of anger. I NEVER would lay a hand on my wife or act out violently towards her. Even when my wife choose to lock the doors on me. Legally, I had the right to return, but why force living with someone who doesn’t care or love you? Well, It’s been about a year and a half since our seperation and I’m finally feeling better. I will always love and care about my (ex)wife and that’s where the frustration comes from. I lost my best friend and there’s nothing I can do about it.. Thankfully, I’ve had the love and support from my family to recover. The sad part is I miss the company of a woman and I have a hard time trusting the loyalty of a future relationship.I hope more time will soften and heal my heart to trust again. Thanks again for taking the time to post this article.

    • New Ex says:

      John: there is a HUGE misperception in society that 1) women are always victims in divorce and 2) men who file for divorce aren’t in pain. It speaks well of you (after her behavior) that you miss her companionship. And missing that is excruciating, debilitating at times! I feel the same way about my soon to be ex wife, and even though I’m the one that filed, it hurts like hell and I’d give ANYTHING & EVERYTHING to stop this process, but I will not return to her ways. You stay strong, my friend.

  28. Gregory says:

    Thanks for posting this very helpful information. It is good to know that the stages are normal.

    Gregory

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